The longer I’m a parent, the more I find myself doing or talking about things I never expected.
Case in point: in George’s early days, when I was still figuring out how to feed a tiny human with my own body, his diaper quit functioning. As warm pee seeped into my shirt, I remember decidedly not moving because we’d finally gotten a good latch. My new life motto? Skin can be cleaned!
And so, here’s a list of those “never would I ever” activities that have become a part of my everyday life. I apologize if these are too gross for normal people, as I am now completely out of touch with your side of the world:
- If a little someone hands me a booger, I put it in my pocket if a napkin is not readily available. I do this because that little someone is normally telling me to “wipe it on your pants.”
- I cover someone else’s sneezes.
- I find joy in picking someone else’s nose, even with that someone else is fighting like a wrangled banshee.
My husband and I use code words like “white stuff” or “crack” to describe milk.
- See a loose Cheerio on the floor? Assume someone will be by to snack. Good source of iron.
- I’m not too bothered by wiping crumbs off a baby’s mouth and depositing said crumbs into my own mouth if I have no other way of cleaning up.
- To encourage a bowel movement, I bear hug a screaming toddler with my body weight.
- As a result of a bowel movement, I shower said toddler with sugar.
- Winnie the Pooh (2011 version—the one with Craig Ferguson as Eeyore) is one of my favorite movies (a step behind The Lego Batman Movie).
- I give the toddler for which I’m responsible sugar because it’s funny to watch him run in circles.
- I go to the gym for the included childcare.
Yeah, I tried to come up with a more even number, but it’s nap time, and Mama’s got a book to read.
Please tell me that I’m not the only one! What do you do for your kids that you said you’d never do in your pre-kid declarations? Come on—I know you have them too.