OK, I’m about to get a very rickety and worn soapbox. I’ve been resisting the urge for some time, but I just can’t fight the temptation any longer. It’s all too ridiculous. And I’m being forced against my will to endure it, so I can’t help but lash out on the Interwebs.
Y’all. We need to talk about Frozen.
Considering the animated film came out a year before my oldest was born, I thought I’d be safe from Frozen mania. I mean, I enjoyed seeing it (twice) in theaters and belting out some “Let It Go” while getting ready for church. I won’t lie that I gladly fell into the madness. I even bought the DVD on release day.
After George was born, I watched the world’s frantic obsession continue. The abundance of white wigs with scraggly side braids kept growing. I smugly thought, “Well, at least I won’t have to deal with this, because we’ll all have moved on by the time my kids are that age.”
Pride beforeth the fall, folks.
I now have a princess-obsessed 2-year-old who yells, “FROZEN!” as we wander down every aisle of Walmart. It’s been six years. SIX YEARS! WHY IS ELSA STILL ON YOGURT PACKAGING, WALMART?! It’s insane.
So, with the recently discovered passionate love for all things Frozen (George has caught this bug too, y’all), we’re now listening to it in the car on repeat and watching the movie whenever Mama’s backbone weakens (daily). And, well, I need to talk about a few things.
(I had a new friend over today and started ranting to her, so I thought I’d go ahead and let this post roll out, unfettered. I realize thousands of other mommy blogs have done the same thing, but I just couldn’t help myself any longer!)
There are major (major!) plot holes in this movie. Disney is unbelievably good at what it does, so I have no idea how it (they?) missed some of these. There are spoilers, and you need a working knowledge of the movie, but…I need some answers:
- Where do Elsa’s ice powers come from? This should be the most obviously blatant question in the entire film. Those powers are the crux of the plot. We learn she could be born or cursed with the powers, and we learn she was born with them. Apparently, that should be good enough for our pea-sized brains.
- Who is running the kingdom? On coronation day, we see the Duke of Weselton (voiced by the fabulous Alan Tudyk) greedily discuss his country’s trade relationship with the mysterious Arendelle. But who has been trading with him? Is there a prime minister? Why is there NO explanation of how this country is functioning?
- Who is taking care of Anna and Elsa? (Spoiler for this and every Disney movie…the parents die early.) From what I’ve gleaned, Elsa has “come of age” for her royal coronation, so she’s, what? 18? Anna must be around 16? We see like three servants wandering around the castle. Are they in charge? If so, they’re doing a terrible job, as Elsa has a nervous breakdown and literally runs into the frozen wilderness the second she’s “come of age”.
- Why are the girls locked away in the castle? This one is probably obvious to all. In the beginning, a troll tells the king that Elsa’s ice powers are made worse by fear. So what do the parents do? They lock the super-powered girl away and keep her terrified of herself. Who thought this would help anything? Which leads me to…
- Does anyone else notice that the king and queen are terrible parents? “Stifle your feelings, honey!” “Don’t feel anything, 6-year-old!” “Ignore your little sister!” “Never go outside, you vitamin-D-deficient 11-year-old!” “Instead of going to counseling, try these silk gloves. They should do the trick!” (The queen never says a word.) Honestly.
- We need to talk about the extent of these ice powers. What Elsa can do:
- Freeze water with no assistance.
- Shoot ice spikes.
- Create life (Olaf and Marshmallow).
- Change the physical make-up of her clothing.
- Create fabulous hairstyles with one finger.
- Instantly create ice skates.
- Sustain frozen life with their “own personal flurries!
- Bust out of handcuffs and jail with little trouble.
- About the effects of those ice powers… My husband pointed out that Elsa’s ice powers have zero positive applications, beyond entertainment. She’s the queen. And she is terrifying. She can destroy her enemies by:
- Killing all of their crops with frosty weather.
- Killing all of the people with very frosty weather.
- Creating gigantic snowmen armies that can survive any temperature or heat source.
- Also about those ice powers… Elsa is an emotionally stunted teenager who has been locked in a castle with zero social contact since she was, like, 6 years old. And her parents passed away in a tragic boating accident. Things about to get ugly, folks.
- Kristoff’s happily-ever-after is a farce. When Anna gives Kristoff his new sled and Elsa has appointed him “Arendelle’s Ice Master and Deliverer,” it appears all of the burly blonde’s dreams have come true (complete with princess girlfriend). However, Elsa can make ice out of thin air. Kristoff’s position is completely redundant and absurd. However, I do still love me some Kristoff.
- What is Elsa doing in her ice palace? We know the cold doesn’t bother her anyway, so the lack of central heating isn’t a problem. But what’s her big plan? My husband suggested she’ll do the same thing she did in her other palace…lock herself in her room and cry a lot. I’m more concerned about her nutritional priorities. What is girlfriend eating? And, again, what is she doing?
There you have it. My 800-word rant about a six-year-old movie. I’m neck-deep in this stuff, y’all. Think of me when you see Elsa and Anna’s unrealistically enormous eyes staring back at you from the cereal aisle.
(I finished The Flatshare by Beth O’Leary in two days. It was more in-depth than I expected, but still had a decent romance. Things got a bit steamy, but nothing too drastic for today’s moral standards)
The Lady in the Coppergate Tower by Nancy Campbell Allen – This book touts itself as “a steampunk Rapunzel” and a “proper romance” (meaning no super-steamy sex scenes). I’ve read everything else Ms. Allen has written, and, as far as I can tell, she’s getting better with time. She also wrote a steampunk Beauty and the Beast and a version of Sleeping Beauty. I enjoyed both, as they’re a little bit scary (Jane Eyre-esque), a little bit fantastical, and a little bit, well, steampunk.